00h18 :
I can’t go on like this.
How can R say I don’t have to lose weight ?! I’m too fat !
I can’t restrict, I will never be skinny enough.
02h02 :
Still trying to sleep.
Anyways I don’t take my sleeping pills. I hate meds, and I don’t want to take pills since I tried to kill myself with them.
À partir de lundi je serai en camp dessin, j’espère qu’on me surveillera pas trop pendant les repas et que je pourrais me couper un soir sur 4 au moins.
« Si on peignait les cons en rouge, la terre serait un joli champ de coquelicots. »
Films à voir (entre autres) :
– Factory Girl (George Hickenlooper)
– Léon (Luc Besson)
– Jeux d’enfants (Yann Samuell)
– La maison au bout de la rue (Mark Tonderai)
– The Secret (Pascal Laugier)
22h00 :
Cut myself with little scissors.
I love them, they’re almost as sharp as cutter blade 🙂
02h40 :
Another sleepless night.
Maybe fatness made me even more insomniac…
J’ai enfin trouvé la définition de mon alimentation *hallelujah*
13h05 :
Environ :
– 50g de riz (64kcals)
– 20g de poisson (18kcals)
– 20g de yaourt aux fruits (20kcals)
– 150g de pain (450kcals)
Donc un repas à 552kcals.
21h36 :
Wanna die.
I’m so fat…
Sachant que je n’ai pas mangé de petit déjeuner, mais 552kcals ce midi et 300g de pâtes (330kcals) ce soir.
Journée à 882kcals.
Ça va, ça redevient acceptable, mais avant j’arrivais à faire une journée à 550/600kcals donc j’ai du boulot. Cette été il va falloir que je me remette au sport.
I’m done, I’m so done.
With this fat body, with all these sleepless nights, these fake smiles, this urge to cut that I can barely control, and from time to time the urge to kill someone.
Today I’ve wanted to kill someone.
Not someone special, only to let all my anger, anxiety and pain go out.
I’ve also eaten a lot of chocolate even if it made me nauseous, just because I feel empty.
I succeed to fake smile again. It’s a good and a bad thing.
It’s good because it’s less depressing for people who don’t know I feel bad, and it’s bad for people who know I’m always on the edge.
I’m sorry. Really.
It’s horrible when people feel like they can’t help me because it’s like I disappoint them and I hate that.
Or the sadness in the eyes of those I like/love.
It kills me inside.
…Sorry for those who don’t understand all I say ’cause it’s in english (Psst, you can ask for a translation… Or use Google translator if you prefer.)